Title says it all
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with!
When my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
-Mitch Hedberg
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
He was too far out, man.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it’s be a chicken sedan.
Why do chicken lay eggs?
The eggs would break if they threw them.
I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell… Although, whenever I leave a house I go through the window.
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guys asked them if they are ok?
Here is a derivative of that one:
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
What do you call an elephant that can only be accessed remotely?
Telephant
Yes, I’m a dad, how did you know?
Him: Hey, when you’re out camping, do you enjoy it when you wake up in the morning and water vapor condensers on your lenses?
Me: DEW EYE?!?
I see. It’s all coming back to me now… Said the blind man. to his deaf son. pissing in the wind.
Why did the surgeon hate performing toe amputations?
…he was lack-toes intolerant.
This one is a true story:
I was in Dallas Love Field with my daughter several years ago.
I said, “You know, this is where John Kennedy landed only a few hours before he was killed. Show some respect and try not to make an ass…assin of yourself.”
Roughly fifteen years later her eyes still haven’t come back from rolling into the back of her head
I’m still proud of myself for coming up with that little airport joke on the fly
Two nuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.