Dear Lemmy,
I have a dilemma on what to do about my brother. He’s now in jail for the 2nd time in his life for yet another violent felony. I’m not sure how to proceed. I’m going to have to provide back story to get you all up to speed. I’ll try to keep as short as possible otherwise I’d be writing a book.
My brother and I are half brothers (different dads). I never knew my dad growing up. My mom married my brother’s dad when I was about 4 or 5 and they had my brother when I was about 7.
My brother’s dad was a religious asshole who made us go to church every week even though we had no interest. He got into shouting matches with my mom almost on the daily. I specifically remember one time him getting violent and throwing a broken lock at my mom and I locked my brother and I in the bathroom trying to protect him just in case. He never laid hands on me that I can remember but I remember he would force me to eat food I didn’t like to the point where I’d throw up and if I couldn’t keep it down I would be in trouble. Just mentally abusive shit like that.
They divorced when my brother was around 5 or 6 I think putting me around 12 or 13. My mom then did the single mom thing and tried to provide for us, but she’d go to work all day then get home and go to the bar until late at night. Sometimes she’d get home around 11 sometimes 2am. She’d bring random guys home and sleep with them and I’d never see them again. She did have 1 long term boyfriend at one point, that guy was an abusive alcoholic and even choke slammed me once. Eventually she was found unfit by the court to care for my brother and his dad got custody of him around age 7 or 8.
I would still see him every other weekend or so. We weren’t very close since he no longer lived with us and we were 7 years apart. When he was visiting we’d sometime play games or watch anime. But mostly I think I was out hanging out with friends. He had his own friends too so it’s not like he was just stuck at the house by himself. I’d pick on him like brothers tend to do here and there. Never physically harmed him or anything, just poke fun. My mom kept up the work by day drink at night thing pretty much until I moved out.
My brother must have had a rough time at his dad’s house though because I knew the guy was an asshole and I remember my brother reminding me of that, I don’t remember specifics. I do remember that my brother was very overweight at a young age and he got picked on at school a lot. I know one time he took a knife or multiple knives to school and threatened people. He ended up getting suspended and things only spiraled from there.
I moved out to my own place, got married, went to college for a bit, worked, then joined the military in my early 20s and while I was stationed in another state. My brother finished high school and had a girlfriend. Just after his 18th birthday I got a call from my mom that my brother was arrested. I found out that he had a falling out with his gf and she was breaking up with him. He refused to let that happen, went to her place of work, forced her outside and into his car and tried get her to stay with him. She was able to get out of the car and as she was going back into her work he hit her over the head with something heavy causing a concussion. He got charged with aggregated assault and kidnapping. My mom and his dad posted his bail and he went home with his dad. A few weeks later he violated a protection order that he wasn’t supposed to be on school property when he attended a homecoming game. The judge locked him up and he served like 3-5 years.
During his time in prison we wrote to each other and I talked to him on the phone a few times. I wrote him during my deployment and after I got home. We talked about how we’d hang out when he got out. I genuinely wanted to try and reform him and be a role model for him to help guide him when he got out. When I asked him why he did what he did he would always just say he didn’t remember it and that he blacked out. He would also say that the story I had heard was different than how it actually went and he never meant to hurt anyone.
Fast forward to him getting out of prison, I moved to a different state on orders, close enough to drive home. He comes to visit for a day. We talked about his time in prison, our mom, his dad. He asked if I forgave my mom for being a shitty mom and I said no. I barely talk to my mom to this day. We might talk on the phone once every few months and only for like 10 minutes. I mainly just talk to her because I feel obligated and I don’t want to be a shitty person. Anyway, my brother and I both agreed we had a shitty upbringing, but then he said that I had also abused him. Which confused me, because while I remember picking on him in what I thought a lot of siblings do, he remembers something different. He said that I had physically hurt him and beat him up to the point he was bruised and battered. I have no memory of this and if this were true I would think that someone somewhere would have noticed and said something like school teachers or police would have been involved. Anyway, we brushed it aside, talked more, I gave him a used laptop since he didn’t have a computer. I even reluctantly lent him money for a present for his girlfriend (he paid me back).
Fast forward again, my brother is enjoying his freedom, has a job, and his new gf. He’s going to EDM festivals a lot, like constantly (this will be important later). We both liked EDM and there was a concert near me that we both wanted to go to, so he brought his gf and we went to the concert and they stayed the night. A little while after this event, things went south between us. I found out from my mom that he was constantly asking her for money for gas or new car tires. He apparently called her in the middle of the night one time because he had ran out of gas and needed $20 after she had just given him money. I thought it was weird that he had no money but was going to all of these EDM festivals. He had posted 2 tickets to one he had planned to go to on FB and the tickets were like $200 a pop. So I passive aggressively said that maybe instead of buying those tickets he could have bought gas or tires for his car. He LOST it on me. Went off, bringing up how shitty of a brother I was and how his childhood was shit and just generally played the victim. Words were said, we never talked again for like the last 8 or so years.
My mom said she had met up with him last year around his birthday to try and reconnect. When they met she said he told her that she was dead to him, his dad was dead to him, and I was dead to him. He made the claims that she was a shitty mom (which she was). He claimed that I had broke his arm once when I beat him up as kids. My mom and his dad have no idea what he’s talking about because he never had a broken arm. He apparently asked if my wife was dead yet, I have no idea why he’d ask that. It was just a genuinely weird experience my mom said. She said she left scared.
A few months ago I get an email from some inmate notification system with my brother’s name in it. I thought it was weird spam or something from back when he was in so I just ignored it. Few days later something told me I should try looking him up in the system. Sure enough he was arrested for strangulation, making threats, and harassment. So he’s been locked up since waiting out the court process. He couldn’t make bail, didn’t reach out to anyone as far as I was aware. A friend of mine from back home found a FB profile of a girl where they were in the picture together and said she was in a relationship. Then a few days later he wasn’t in the picture anymore and her relationship status was removed. We believe he strangled his girlfriend, but no one has any details because no one talked to him.
My mom just got a letter from him this past week. In the letter he talks about how he was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, and depression due to his upbringing, which I have no doubt. He also says that anything we hear about what happened is a lie and all untrue. He blames her among unnamed others, and the system for the situation he is in. He also signed his name with an arrow pointing it it and a note saying no one that loves him calls him by that name. But no one has come to bail him out, so I guess I’m confused as to who he’s talking about. We haven’t heard anything else from anyone.
I’m worried that my brother is unstable and I’m worried that if I do anything that could set him off that he could come after my family(wife and kids) when he gets out. At the same time I feel bad for him because we both dealt with the same parents but probably had very different households after he went to live with his dad. I live somewhat of a normal life and have a good job, I do see a psychiatrist for mental health issues from my childhood and my time in the military. So I always thought that I came out of it somewhat OK, why couldn’t he? I thought he’s just not accepting responsibility for his own actions and blames everyone else. So I guess I’m wondering do you guys think I should reach out and try to reconnect or just let bygones be bygones?
Sorry for the long story, just sitting here late in bed not knowing what I should do.
Edit: Just adding a few details, it was late and I was tired. I forgot to mention that in his letter to my mother, he sounded suicidal. He said to give his belongings to his gf, no one even knows how to contact her, nor are we even sure if we should especially if she’s the victim. We don’t want to exacerbate her trauma.
I also found on some of the court documents/inmate info that he was found in contempt for violating a court order. I’m wondering if he tried to contact his gf when he was ordered not to in order to tell her she could have his belongings. I don’t know, just speculating.
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I would let bygones be bygones and accept that you are dead to him. If he serves his time and actually sorts out his bullshit then reconsider at that point.
I really hoped he was going to do that before he got locked up again. I always kind of hoped he’d reach out again, but I wasn’t holding my breath.
Serious suggestion here: talk to a therapist about any guilt or ambivalence you might feel about this. Sorting out your own feelings on this will help you be there optimally for the things that are important in your life.
Your asking us what to do about this is a solid piece of evidence that you could benefit from talking to a therapist about this.
First, I’m sorry to hear about the situation. It seems like you want the best for your brother.
I’m a stranger on the Internet, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
Based on what I read, I worry if you allow him to get close to you that you or your wife could be a victim of his eventually.
Perhaps he needs guidance and structure, but I question if he is ready to accept it from you.
If you end up wanting to help him, make certain you’re not enabling his bad habits.
It’s a tough place to be. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to “fix” everything.
FWIW, this had “borderline” written all over it, even before you got to the part where he admitted his diagnoses. You know what you did, don’t let him put ideas in your head.
There are lots of great books on BPD out there. Don’t feel like you have to save him, that’s probably the guilt he wants you to feel. You should read up on managing borderline siblings, because that’s tough.
I wonder if he’s been prescribed meds or any treatment for it and that he stopped taking it once he got out the first time
He definitely got some kind of treatment during his first incarnation and was on medication. Whether or not he kept up with it after he got out I don’t know. But he definitely took MDMA probably among other things at the festivals he went to. He briefly talked about his experience with it.
In his letter to my mother, he said these diagnoses were given to him during his current predicament. So they are definitely doing something in prison right now at least as far as evaluating him.
Borderline doesn’t go away like that. It’s often a lifelong struggle. It takes years of therapy to come back from. There’s not really a medication for it
The only treatment shown to be effective is something like “dialectical behavioral something something” and it requires a handful of people full time dedicated to that one person. Basically only extremely rich people can afford this.
I wonder if they’ll put him back on the meds / treatment and he starts acting as friendly and being as close as you guys were during the first incarceration
Sorry for the long story, just sitting here late in bed not knowing what I should do.
First, don’t put much weight in what me, as an internet stranger, is saying.
I do see a psychiatrist
That’s a much better source of advice.
However, if it were me, I would not have him in my life. You have your own family and likely career. Imagine what he might do to both of those things. You said he has accused you of physically abusing him. Could you imagine him showing up at your employer saying those things and how that would affect your life? From what you’re describing he hasn’t changed a bit over all of these years. If you feel absolutely driven to do something for him, offer to pay for him to see a therapist. However, I don’t recommend even this. I’m reminded of the quote:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
He’s chosen his path in life. Don’t let his poor choices negatively affect your life and your wife.
You should probably know that strangling someone is a strong indicator of a future murder attempt. Far more than other forms of battery.
You definitely need to consider your own safety, and those around you
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. If you want to help, ok, but be realistic about it. Also, you can’t help anyone who doesn’t want it. Also-Also, it’s nearly impossible to help someone who has a different reality than you do, which you’ve described him having.
I’m sorry you and your brother have been through so much and been so damaged. I experienced an abusive up bringing and I know it never leaves you, and shapes who you are for the rest pf your life. For me i was lucky and it shaped me to try to be a better person then my parents and not repeat their mistakes; it sounds like you are also treading that path.
My siblings were not so lucky, they are all damaged and have been unable to live “normal” lives. I lost one brother who died through severe mental illness, another sibling is crippled by mental illness and another is struggling but fortunately getting by.
I’ve learnt the hard way that you can’t fix other people, no matter how clearly you see what is going wrong. You can encourage people to deal with their problems, and you can support them when they try but ultimately they have to want to change or get better. Everything else you do, no matter how well intentioned, will not change anything if the person themselves does not see the problem or want to change.
Regarding your brother, you can reach out to him and try but sadly you may have to accept his life is stuck on a trajectory of self destruction and even sadly violence. I don’t think anyone is born bad, but are shaoed by their childhood. Your step dad and mum are also likely products of bad events or difficult up-bringings and it sounds like they couldn’t change their life paths either. Its a cycle of chaos and tragedy disrupting each generation.
But there is something you do have control over and can change - your own family. You can break the cycle by being a good parent to your children. You are now in the position your mum and dad were, and can be the role model for your kids and ensure they have a happy childhood. That is where you should focus your time and effort.
I’m sorry for your brother, despite his crimes, but your priority should be your wife and children and everything you do has to be focused on what is best for them. Sadly, if that means not including your brother in your lives then so be it. Be there if your brother reaches out for help but otherwise I think your time and energy is best focused on giving your children the upbringing and future denied to you as a child.
You succeeded despite your parents. Ensure your children succeed with your help and support. That will break the cycle in your family and that love, kindness and compassion will be felt by your grand children and great grand children. That is what you can realistically control and that could help many more than one person in your family long term. That choice could have positive echoes throughout your children and their children’s lives.
Your brother is providing you all the clues he will eventually kill someone innocent. He is mentally ill and willing to be violent to vulnerable women. Why isn’t he strangling other men? Because he knows women are weaker than him. He’s a piece of shit and you must cut him out of your life completely or be forced to be questioned and investigated by cops in an inevitable future murder that piece of shit will undoubtedly will commit to a vulnerable woman. He’s going to EDM concerts a lot because it’s an easy place to locate drugs.
I vote bygones, leaving him be, because of the violence and what sounds like delusion.
If he really does believe you physically abused him to that extent, I can’t see how the two of you are going to have a healthy relationship until that somehow gets resolved.
It’s a shame he couldn’t have had a relatively less abusive childhood like you, but that doesn’t make his problems or rehabilitation your responsibility.
If you do feel the compulsion to reach out, make sure to keep that attempted reconciliation and your everyday life completely separate.
If OP feels compelled to reach out, OP should be taking to a therapist about that compulsion.
I would be pretty concerned about the safety of yourself and your family. You might want to contact police so they can keep you apprised of his movements and if he’s out on bail, or later when and if he’s out of prison.
He’s expressed some pretty concerning attitudes about you and your mother, and the remark about your wife is strange. I wouldn’t arrange any meeting with him that isn’t well supervised. And if he knows where you live and work, you might consider changing that and keeping the new locations quiet, even from your mother, as she doesn’t sound smart enough to keep it to herself. Get a PO box if you need her to send you anything.
I think I get notifications when his status changes since I had received that initial notification that his status recently changed. As it’s looking right now, he won’t get out on bail. His bail has been set to $50k for about 3 months and he’s still there. Due to his prior violent domestic assault, my guess is that he’s not getting off easy. I’m guessing he’s looking at 5-10 years minimum right now. Won’t know anything new until next month when his next court date comes.
As for the comment about my wife, we’re all just as confused because we have no idea what she did to upset him than defend me when he originally attacked me on FB years ago. My wife’s theory is that maybe he sees her as taking me away from him when I moved away at 18 and got married.
The comment about your wife is related to his comments about you beating him and breaking his arm. He’s decided you’re abusive and are part of the reason his childhood was so messed up. It probably helps him cope with a few things. For example he doesn’t feel guilty when he abuses you or your mom’s hospitality or generosity because you owe him. Anyways he decided that you’re abusive and so you probably beat up your wife worse than he does. It’s self protective, if you’re worse than him (he assaulted his wife and you kill yours) then he can still be a good guy in his own mind by comparison.
He sounds pretty fucked up honestly, and his coping mechanisms are maladaptive. If you want to help him, reach out occasionally to let him know you’re there. Don’t give him money or things or a place to stay. He doesn’t see you as a role model, he sees you as someone who owes him Infinity for what you’ve done, meaning he can abuse you in significant ways and it’s all fair in his mind. You owe him for what you did.
If he ever realises that he’s the problem in his life, and that to make his life better he needs to BE better, only then can you help him.
You can’t help someone be better if they don’t want to be better.
As far as I can tell from reading your telling, he has a history of committing violence against women and lying about past events. I hope you recognize this as dangerous.
This doesn’t mean you can’t try to help him, but understand that there are risks.
Talk to a lawyer about how to ensure you are in that notification loop.
Don’t just assume because this one notification came to you, that future ones will also come to you.
PTSD and psychedelics can create confusion and false memories. BPD can cement those in to his reality.
If his memories are different from reality, and our past shapes up, then you can say that he is a different person.
If he is not getting professional help, says the help is working, and says he feels like he is in a good place, do not try to help him.
If professional doctors can’t help him, neither can you.
not knowing what I should do.
Clarify for yourself: what is your responsibility.
Not what others think what you should or “should” do. Only what’s real.
If in doubt, write it down as precisely as possible and then ask friends for confirmation, or a counselor.
From there on, you can let go of the other things, for which you are not responsible. This will make life easier, and stop the brooding.
Be careful with that asking friends or therapist for confirmation bit.
It’s a decent stopgap, but the best place to be is to have the judgment to make this call without outside confirmation. That need for outside confirmation can be the opening for a gaslighter to warp one’s mind.
Personally I’d be cutting off contact from him. No point reaching out to someone who doesn’t want to be in touch. He’s also given you an ‘out’ here by disowning you which makes the situation more simple on the surface. Sometimes you need to think about preserving your own wellbeing.
Is letting a depressed person push people away so they become more suicidal ethical?
People are free to do as they choose. It is ethical to respect another’s freedom. It is also ethical to respect one’s own need for security.
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If you truly want to help him, give him a list of post-carceral support resources, a note stating that you’re only willing to help more if he truly wants to change, and a small amount of money to get started.
Make it clear in the letter that you don’t want to see him in prison and that you know he’s a better person than that. Do not bring up the falling out just yet in case he’s willing to contact you for a real life change.
First, I’m so sorry about you and your brother’s upbringing. No child should have to go through this. You have made a miraculous life from the short hand you were dealt with.
As for your brother, he did not make the difficult life choices to get out of his childhood victimization. Unfortunately, he struggles if his own relationships and his violent and disruptive behavior towards those who care for him is a reflection of your parent’s relationship.
Having said this, you, under no obligations, have to continue to help or reconnect with him. He needs psychological help, just as you have been receiving. The US criminal justice system, does not care about your brother’s mental health. We all have to face our demons to get better. There is no way around it. You have tried to help your brother, your mother may have tried to help your brother abd in return, you both now fear for your self and you family. This is you signal to step away. If you don’t, it may get worse. Step way and know that you tried. Step away and disconnect for your family’s sake.
